Jimmy Kimmel is, with out fail, the spotlight of TV’s upfronts week yearly; 2024 was no exception. (2023 was, as a result of writers strike.)
The “Jimmy Kimmel Stay!” host left no stone unturned in his annual profane and ruthless takedown of all the things Disney (and everybody else in Hollywood) desires to promote to advertisers. This 12 months that included the brand new Disney+ bundle with Hulu and Max, Netflix lastly kissing the asses of mentioned advertisers, the AMPTP, “The Golden Bachelor,” and discovering a catchy new title for that sports-streaming service Disney is engaged on with Fox and Warner Bros. Discovery.
He began issues off with an enormous announcement: Bob Iger‘s successor at Disney as CEO is… an artificially clever Bob Iger clone. AIger.
“Bob isn’t going wherever ever once more wherever,” Kimmel mentioned. “We uploaded him to the cloud in order that we are able to dwell in peace and prosperity below the watchful AI of the Iger. All hail AIger!”
Kimmel hasn’t been at upfronts since 2021 after getting Covid in 2022 after which canceling final 12 months as a result of writers strike. However Iger hasn’t graced the stage in 30 years.
“This man, he needs to be retired by now. He needs to be off on a yacht someplace, as a substitute he’s right here pretending to be excited a couple of new season of ‘Will Fucking Trent,’” Kimmel mentioned.
Kimmel didn’t neglect that Iger thought of promoting ABC final 12 months earlier than altering his thoughts.
“As soon as nobody was , Bob defined he didn’t imply he actually wished to promote us, he was simply testing the waters for Wall Road,” Kimmel mentioned. “Thanks, however Bob, often once they take a look at the waters they dip in a toe, they don’t drown their kids.”
Disney launched the face of the brand new collection “The Golden Bachelorette,” and Kimmel welcomed her into the ABC household by asking if her grandkids had been excited to look at grandma get “raw-dogged in a jacuzzi.” “The Golden Bachelorette,” he added, is a part of Disney’s technique to steal CBS’ viewers by “placing all of them in a home collectively.” He additionally reminded that the “Golden Bachelor” and his bride had been divorced after a brief union, “very like Bob Chapek.” He closed by introducing ABC’s new present, “The Golden Retriever,” through which a bunch of attractive canine hump all the things in sight.
Kimmel was particularly excited for the brand new Disney/WBD bundle, calling it an “ad-supported streaming pile of shit” designed to take down Netflix… that’s, till Netflix introduced its personal bundle at present with Peacock and Apple.
“Then we’ll simply sit again till the subsequent pandemic and let the cash roll in,” he mentioned.
Kimmel mentioned Disney didn’t need to bundle; “they needed to…. you’ve seen our churn charges. That is Churnobyl.”
We’re nonetheless ready on an official title for the sports activities streaming bundle, however Kimmel had a catchy one: “Weekend at Divorced Dad’s Home.” Stated Kimmel, “I haven’t seen this a lot company camaraderie on this enterprise since final summer time since all of them labored collectively to starve the writers.”
As for Netflix, Kimmel mentioned they spent years “ignoring you, sneering at you,” and shoveling you their “Unbreakable Kimmy Shit.” Now they’ve magically modified their tune and are taking part in the identical sport as everybody else.
“Now these smug b-holes need to lick your nuts like the remainder of us do,” he mentioned. “In fact they’re performing like they’re enthusiastic about it. We love advertisements in our exhibits! It simply by no means occurred to us to place them there. Scumbags.”
At Disney’s presentation, “Poor Issues” and the upcoming “Sorts of Kindness” star Emma Stone kicked issues off to introduce Iger. Disney additionally teased the upcoming fourth season of “Solely Murders within the Constructing,” a brand new collection referred to as “Excessive Potential” starring Kaitlin Olson, and upcoming Marvel collection “Agatha All Alongside” and “Ironheart.”
Nipping at Kimmel’s heels every year is Seth Meyers, who all the time entertains throughout the NBCUniversal upfront. Arguably Meyers has the more durable job: NBCU opens the week with a morning presentation, not often a peak comedy time. Meyers’ annual process additionally comes the day after Mom’s Day when individuals are drained, homesick, or hungover — or all three.
Meyers had some zingers on Monday. Our favourite: “I discovered $20 on the road this morning. Lengthy story quick, I’m one of many two finalists [to buy] Paramount.”
Shortly after Meyers’ set, NBC introduced an extension of his “Late Night time” contract. Good troopers (and good talk-show hosts) get rewarded.